Fragments

Kept you waiting, huh?

So I’m back. I know it’s been well over the week I said I would be away. It’s been so long because I’ve been a wreck emotionally. Being there. Being in the same place where I saw my mom alive. Being where she no longer is. It fucks with your mind in the worst ways. You just remember all the emotions, the moments and the days. I missed my girlfriend very much.

I’m just gonna talk about my mom. It hurts. I remember how she looked when she died. When she was suffering and how scared she was. You don’t forget things like that. Your mind won’t let you. Sometimes I forget she’s gone. I still think she’s at home. She’s there waiting. Watching TV or watching her Spanish soaps on the laptop my uncle lent her. Sometimes I feel she’ll call my name as I walk in. The lights’ll be on and she’ll call my name and she’ll go to the kitchen to get my plate so I can eat. She’ll ask me about my day and I’ll tell her everything. She’ll laugh. I loved her laugh. Her smile. But when I open that door now, there’s nothing but darkness. I see her photos and it reminds me of good things. It reminds me she’s gone. All they are are memories. I can’t watch sad things anymore. I can’t see or hear or read sad things anymore. I start to cry. I still feel it. All the pain. All the rage. All the despair. And I start to hate life. And god. And myself. I was so powerless. I keep feeling and asking myself why. “Why” doesn’t just become a question anymore. It becomes a state of being. And I get stuck in a dark place. It’s like I’m falling. I told my girlfriend it was like a well. A black well that I can’t climb out of. I see there’s a light. But I can never reach it. And it won’t stop hurting. I want to take it all back. I want to bring her back. I miss her. And I love her so much. There’s so much I wish I could tell her. I keep saying I’m sorry to her. I’m sorry I told her I was tired of her disease. I’m sorry I couldn’t help her. I’m worrying as a selfish. I couldn’t see past myself. I’m just so sorry mom. I’m such a bad son. I was with her. I wish I had a chance to save her. I wanted to hear the doctor say that. I prayed for it. Just a chance. Just a moment to make up for what I had done. I just wanted to do something for someone that wasn’t me for once. I would’ve given my life for her.

I see her. I see her in my dreams. I still can’t see her face. I only saw her once. She didn’t blame me. She said so. She answered me but I keep feeling it was my fault. I wish she could tell me it’s ok. That everything will be ok.

I love you mom. I always will.

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Fragments

And in that moment…

…my girl and I, we were infinite.

So I hope tomorrow you all enjoy my final post before my trip. I’ll be providing my review for the perks of being a wallflower. I hope you all enjoy it and know that these past few weeks and months have been extremely stressful and tiring. From work to my personal life (remembering my mom) it has been a tough summer and while I know things will be somewhat doom and gloom when I return in terms of my posts, I hope you can all tell that I am deeply grateful for your continued following of this blog. I do appreciate it. Thank you all for the support and I hope you like reading this.

That’s really what writing is all about. Make people forget about things for a while and immerse themselves in an interesting story or blog however long it is. Thank you all.

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Fragments

9-11

I know I said I would review that book I read but I talked about it with my girlfriend and I think that’ll be the last post I put up before I go away to Mexico.

Today really is about the memory of a horrible day back in 2001. I remember I was in class when it happened. Vidal said it was a terrorist attack and we all laughed although he was certain it was. I’ve never seen him since sophomore year. He was a good kid. Funny. I still remember him throwing his arms in the air when it was announces over the PA that it was a terrorist attack.
“I told you guys!”
We left school early and I walked home with my brother. It was such a surreal moment watching it as I got back home and saw the smoke coming out of those two towers. I didn’t cry but I truly empathized with all those people. How scared they must’ve been. My uncle got PTSD from it. Now he’s just messed up. And I think of how scared he was. People trampled him. He was caught in the smoke and ash. I kept thinking what was on him was human ash from those poor souls in those planes. I feel terrible when I see him as bad as he is. I miss my old uncle. I didn’t lose anyone and I thank God every day I didn’t. People almost lost people. Others lost so much. I hope no one ever has to go through that again. I hope no one is ever that fanatic again. Isn’t it a pity?

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Fragments

Not today

Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to say today I wouldn’t be putting a post up tonight. Not because I didn’t feel like it or anything but I finished reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower and I have mixed feelings about it. It makes me sad and the ending even made me cry.

I’ll be writing about it tomorrow so be on the look out for that.

Thanks for understanding

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Fragments

Lonely Sword

This one isn’t going to be very long as I’m trying to get some sleep and also I’m focused on getting everything ready for my vacation. I thought of this as another “what if” scenario. I don’t want to think of a time when I didn’t have my girlfriend. I love her so much and I’m so lucky to have her. I miss not being around her at night. We have our time together and i enjoy every second of it.

I remember the time that I didn’t have my girlfriend. I was thinking of the time when I wasn’t dating someone not because I wish for that or want that but I remember how bad that time when I was alone was. It makes me happy I love her and she loves me. But this post wouldn’t be the title if I didn’t think what my life would be like if I were alone.

I think that I hated myself and wanted to die after my mom died. I didn’t want to be with anyone and I didn’t want to have anyone in my life. I couldn’t think if I wanted to do anything or just remain in my house. I looked around and could only see the memory of my failure and I missed her deeply. As I said before, I was mad to my bones. I thought of leaving home and traveling around to try and find out what I wanted. I wanted to better myself so I never failed anyone again. To become a sword and never break again. I just wanted for save her so bad. People say I’m special, that I can do great things but I couldn’t even be what my mother needed. I loved my mother so much and she was such a wonderful person. I cry every time I think about all the things she will miss. I wanted to travel and find out what it was that she needed. What did she need? I think she needed me to be strong; more than just being there for her. I didn’t feel that way after she passed away. I didn’t feel strong. I don’t know how to be strong. I didn’t back then. I felt I needed to be alone for a while and think. And I thought. And thought some more. I felt that to be strong, I needed to be more than myself. To see beyond my self and see everything. To become a sword.

I see my girlfriend as my strength. As my rock. I hope I am the same for her. I want to be her sword. Not a lonely sword but a sword. I love her. I miss my mother more and more everyday. I see her in my dreams and nightmares. I wish I could’ve been a sword for her. Maybe she forged me into that. Maybe that was the last thing she needed me to be.

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