Fragments

Kept you waiting, huh?

So I’m back. I know it’s been well over the week I said I would be away. It’s been so long because I’ve been a wreck emotionally. Being there. Being in the same place where I saw my mom alive. Being where she no longer is. It fucks with your mind in the worst ways. You just remember all the emotions, the moments and the days. I missed my girlfriend very much.

I’m just gonna talk about my mom. It hurts. I remember how she looked when she died. When she was suffering and how scared she was. You don’t forget things like that. Your mind won’t let you. Sometimes I forget she’s gone. I still think she’s at home. She’s there waiting. Watching TV or watching her Spanish soaps on the laptop my uncle lent her. Sometimes I feel she’ll call my name as I walk in. The lights’ll be on and she’ll call my name and she’ll go to the kitchen to get my plate so I can eat. She’ll ask me about my day and I’ll tell her everything. She’ll laugh. I loved her laugh. Her smile. But when I open that door now, there’s nothing but darkness. I see her photos and it reminds me of good things. It reminds me she’s gone. All they are are memories. I can’t watch sad things anymore. I can’t see or hear or read sad things anymore. I start to cry. I still feel it. All the pain. All the rage. All the despair. And I start to hate life. And god. And myself. I was so powerless. I keep feeling and asking myself why. “Why” doesn’t just become a question anymore. It becomes a state of being. And I get stuck in a dark place. It’s like I’m falling. I told my girlfriend it was like a well. A black well that I can’t climb out of. I see there’s a light. But I can never reach it. And it won’t stop hurting. I want to take it all back. I want to bring her back. I miss her. And I love her so much. There’s so much I wish I could tell her. I keep saying I’m sorry to her. I’m sorry I told her I was tired of her disease. I’m sorry I couldn’t help her. I’m worrying as a selfish. I couldn’t see past myself. I’m just so sorry mom. I’m such a bad son. I was with her. I wish I had a chance to save her. I wanted to hear the doctor say that. I prayed for it. Just a chance. Just a moment to make up for what I had done. I just wanted to do something for someone that wasn’t me for once. I would’ve given my life for her.

I see her. I see her in my dreams. I still can’t see her face. I only saw her once. She didn’t blame me. She said so. She answered me but I keep feeling it was my fault. I wish she could tell me it’s ok. That everything will be ok.

I love you mom. I always will.

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Fragments

And in that moment…

…my girl and I, we were infinite.

So I hope tomorrow you all enjoy my final post before my trip. I’ll be providing my review for the perks of being a wallflower. I hope you all enjoy it and know that these past few weeks and months have been extremely stressful and tiring. From work to my personal life (remembering my mom) it has been a tough summer and while I know things will be somewhat doom and gloom when I return in terms of my posts, I hope you can all tell that I am deeply grateful for your continued following of this blog. I do appreciate it. Thank you all for the support and I hope you like reading this.

That’s really what writing is all about. Make people forget about things for a while and immerse themselves in an interesting story or blog however long it is. Thank you all.

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Fragments

9-11

I know I said I would review that book I read but I talked about it with my girlfriend and I think that’ll be the last post I put up before I go away to Mexico.

Today really is about the memory of a horrible day back in 2001. I remember I was in class when it happened. Vidal said it was a terrorist attack and we all laughed although he was certain it was. I’ve never seen him since sophomore year. He was a good kid. Funny. I still remember him throwing his arms in the air when it was announces over the PA that it was a terrorist attack.
“I told you guys!”
We left school early and I walked home with my brother. It was such a surreal moment watching it as I got back home and saw the smoke coming out of those two towers. I didn’t cry but I truly empathized with all those people. How scared they must’ve been. My uncle got PTSD from it. Now he’s just messed up. And I think of how scared he was. People trampled him. He was caught in the smoke and ash. I kept thinking what was on him was human ash from those poor souls in those planes. I feel terrible when I see him as bad as he is. I miss my old uncle. I didn’t lose anyone and I thank God every day I didn’t. People almost lost people. Others lost so much. I hope no one ever has to go through that again. I hope no one is ever that fanatic again. Isn’t it a pity?

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Fragments

Not today

Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to say today I wouldn’t be putting a post up tonight. Not because I didn’t feel like it or anything but I finished reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower and I have mixed feelings about it. It makes me sad and the ending even made me cry.

I’ll be writing about it tomorrow so be on the look out for that.

Thanks for understanding

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Fragments

Lonely Sword

This one isn’t going to be very long as I’m trying to get some sleep and also I’m focused on getting everything ready for my vacation. I thought of this as another “what if” scenario. I don’t want to think of a time when I didn’t have my girlfriend. I love her so much and I’m so lucky to have her. I miss not being around her at night. We have our time together and i enjoy every second of it.

I remember the time that I didn’t have my girlfriend. I was thinking of the time when I wasn’t dating someone not because I wish for that or want that but I remember how bad that time when I was alone was. It makes me happy I love her and she loves me. But this post wouldn’t be the title if I didn’t think what my life would be like if I were alone.

I think that I hated myself and wanted to die after my mom died. I didn’t want to be with anyone and I didn’t want to have anyone in my life. I couldn’t think if I wanted to do anything or just remain in my house. I looked around and could only see the memory of my failure and I missed her deeply. As I said before, I was mad to my bones. I thought of leaving home and traveling around to try and find out what I wanted. I wanted to better myself so I never failed anyone again. To become a sword and never break again. I just wanted for save her so bad. People say I’m special, that I can do great things but I couldn’t even be what my mother needed. I loved my mother so much and she was such a wonderful person. I cry every time I think about all the things she will miss. I wanted to travel and find out what it was that she needed. What did she need? I think she needed me to be strong; more than just being there for her. I didn’t feel that way after she passed away. I didn’t feel strong. I don’t know how to be strong. I didn’t back then. I felt I needed to be alone for a while and think. And I thought. And thought some more. I felt that to be strong, I needed to be more than myself. To see beyond my self and see everything. To become a sword.

I see my girlfriend as my strength. As my rock. I hope I am the same for her. I want to be her sword. Not a lonely sword but a sword. I love her. I miss my mother more and more everyday. I see her in my dreams and nightmares. I wish I could’ve been a sword for her. Maybe she forged me into that. Maybe that was the last thing she needed me to be.

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Fragments

Round Trip

So this upcoming Saturday I’m going away on “vacation”. It’s incredibly difficult to go there, to Mexico because I know what is there waiting for me. How do you prepare for something so powerful?

Her tombstone and her grave are waiting there for me. I honestly feel like I want to be so sad, so angry to my bones and shout towards the sky. There’s always a perfect blue sky with perfect white clouds high above every time I go there. The skies are always breathtaking and majestic, then I look down an remember why I am there. I hope the ribbon I left on her cross is still there. We always bring candles and flowers for her. Sometimes I want to fall to my knees but there are red ants there and we had a bad encounter with one another many years ago. There’s also tons of mosquitoes and I’m already bracing for a lot of bites. While standing there, I like having a few moments to myself and just talk with her. I plan to talk to her about my girlfriend. (I think there’s a mosquito in my room now, lol). I want to tell her how much I miss her and how much I can’t do this without her. I have PTSD by the way. I don’t think there’s really any way to remove it or lose it because I always think of her and my thoughts always come back to her. I love my girlfriend and I want my mother to know how much. I hope someday my girl wants to come with me and speak with her. I hope this doesn’t weird anyone out. There aren’t enough words to tell my mother how much I miss her or how much I wish she could be around for all the new things happening at work. I was never able to speak with her about my day. How much I envy my brothers that. She is and always will be very special and wonderful to me. I keep thinking back to those days. Those wonderfully brutal 41 days. You’ll know more once I come back. At least I hope I can blog about it.

See you all tomorrow. If I keep talking about this, I’m gonna start crying all over again.

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Fragments

Honkytonk Woman

For those of you who follow this blog and don’t like R or even like to read sexual things please stop here as I’m going to write about my really great evening with my girl.

So last night I met my girlfriend at a bar called Smokey Pete’s. (I’m using alternative names for places as these moments are our moments, sorry). I have to admit off the bat I was so aroused because she wore that purple sweater I love so much. The way it drapes and covers her bare skin really tantalizes me in a way I can’t explain. She ordered a very light drink, a Cosmo I think. I’ve never had one so I assume it’s light. I, being the idiot I am, order a straight bourbon and some water. Bad move. Halfway through the drink I was already blasted. I don’t usually drink which is why my tolerance is very low; one would wonder why even plan a meeting at a bar then. I was keeping up well with our conversation, over what was the scariest movies we have ever seen and also the worst horror movies we’ve ever seen. I couldn’t help but stare at her cleavage and I was nearly done with my drink when she put her index finger under my chin, lifted my head up and said, “I’m up here babe.” What I can only describe as the most attractive and sexiest glance and smile I’ve ever seen as she said this to me. She led me out, I tossed some money on the counter for the drinks; I don’t even remember how much. (Although I see that my wallet is considerably lighter today). We took the train back to her place and as soon as her apartment door closed I was all over her. I was kissing her everywhere and practically tore that lovely purple sweater off her. We held each other by the neck as we continued making out, bumping into her couch and I pushed her onto it and held her arms together over her head as I started kissing her breasts. We did some other things, which she’s very gifted at, and which I’m pretty good at. I don’t want to go too much into detail; I know she’ll be reading and she knows exactly what I’m talking about. She has such a fucking amazing body. I unzipped her pants and pulled out the Trojan I carry in my wallet and she put it on me. I enjoyed every minute of it and I know she did too. I hope she did, lol. Feeling every inch of her and being inside her was indescribable because I have no word for that level of pleasure. When we finished, we just laid down in her bed…then we did it again, lol. I always have a backup.

She is such a beautiful woman and I love her so much. If you’re reading this babe, I love you.

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Fragments

Sand in a Glass

I know the title of the post is completely strange but it was extremely strange when I saw that sand in glass. There was something disturbing and I didn’t quite understand what was happening until all these years later. It’s so weird isn’t it? I’ve never been in tune with the moment but I am when I’m with my girlfriend. She keeps me in the moment. But seeing what happened all those years ago on that beach, I wonder if I’ll ever truly understand what my uncle or even my parents were thinking.

My cousin was married to her girlfriend of I don’t know how many years. She never really told anyone, not even her own parents. It was a very awkward time to be in my family because my uncle and my family in general had never been tolerant of alternative lifestyles. We’re all very old school. We have one gay cousin on my moms side but everyone on my dads side has been macho or the woman have been married and have kids. My uncle, I wouldn’t say he was ashamed, but he was embarrassed by it because he only told my dad. It was hard for him to say. Going to New Jersey was a pain. It was such a long journey and I had to wake up so early and then spend my hours until the wedding waiting in a hotel that seems like it’s an asylum. The wedding itself happened on the beach. I could see the waves crashing on the beach and people staring from the boardwalk and the beach at the wedding. They justice of the peace held out sand in two glasses which my cousin and her girlfriend poured into a jar. I didn’t really get the reason for that. I thought I had the reason for this but I don’t honestly know. Sand in a jar.

What in the hell could that even mean? But the thing is that my cousin loves her. I haven’t spoken to them much in these years since, not because of what happened that day but I really don’t see much of my family anymore. I don’t know how they’re doing but I’m sure that they’re still very much in love. They have ups and downs ( what marriage doesn’t?) but I’m sure they will work things through their issues because their love is as strong as all the other forms of love I’ve mentioned. I hope it anyway. It would be sad if it wasn’t.

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