This one isn’t going to be very long as I’m trying to get some sleep and also I’m focused on getting everything ready for my vacation. I thought of this as another “what if” scenario. I don’t want to think of a time when I didn’t have my girlfriend. I love her so much and I’m so lucky to have her. I miss not being around her at night. We have our time together and i enjoy every second of it.
I remember the time that I didn’t have my girlfriend. I was thinking of the time when I wasn’t dating someone not because I wish for that or want that but I remember how bad that time when I was alone was. It makes me happy I love her and she loves me. But this post wouldn’t be the title if I didn’t think what my life would be like if I were alone.
I think that I hated myself and wanted to die after my mom died. I didn’t want to be with anyone and I didn’t want to have anyone in my life. I couldn’t think if I wanted to do anything or just remain in my house. I looked around and could only see the memory of my failure and I missed her deeply. As I said before, I was mad to my bones. I thought of leaving home and traveling around to try and find out what I wanted. I wanted to better myself so I never failed anyone again. To become a sword and never break again. I just wanted for save her so bad. People say I’m special, that I can do great things but I couldn’t even be what my mother needed. I loved my mother so much and she was such a wonderful person. I cry every time I think about all the things she will miss. I wanted to travel and find out what it was that she needed. What did she need? I think she needed me to be strong; more than just being there for her. I didn’t feel that way after she passed away. I didn’t feel strong. I don’t know how to be strong. I didn’t back then. I felt I needed to be alone for a while and think. And I thought. And thought some more. I felt that to be strong, I needed to be more than myself. To see beyond my self and see everything. To become a sword.
I see my girlfriend as my strength. As my rock. I hope I am the same for her. I want to be her sword. Not a lonely sword but a sword. I love her. I miss my mother more and more everyday. I see her in my dreams and nightmares. I wish I could’ve been a sword for her. Maybe she forged me into that. Maybe that was the last thing she needed me to be.